Kinsmen Summit - Debrief #1 | Sonship + Fully Integrated
Kinsmen Debrief #1 – Learning from Sam Deford on Sonship and Being Fully Integrated
Today I’m starting a series of articles inspired by the 2025 Kinsmen Summit. The speakers and topics were rich, and each one poured into the men who were present in the room. My hope is to distill some of the wisdom that was shared so we can all benefit from the work and preparation of these leaders.
In this first Kinsmen Debrief, we’re featuring learning from Sam Deford—Pastor, Counselor, and Songwriter—on the topic of Sonship and being fully integrated. For more on this topic directly from Sam, you can read his article featured in the Kinsmen Journal: Sonship — KINSMEN | We curate deep conversations for men.
Opening Question: What does God think of us?
What does God think of me?
This is a fantastic question and one that has crossed my mind often. In my earlier years, I thought of God’s thoughts in much the same way I imagined the thoughts of men. I believed I had to prove my worth, achieve results, or live up to some ever-moving standard of potential.
Sam posed a second question that struck me deeply, and I’ll rephrase it here:
Will some accomplishment look me in the eye and tell me who I am?
We already know the answer. Of course not.
But culture will promise us that it will. Culture constantly gives us a script to follow and a story to pour our intention and energy into writing. The problem is that culture always overpromises and underdelivers. The good news? God just may want to re-story our lives.
Four Archetypes We Buy Into
Sam highlighted four archetypes—stories that many of us adopt in search of identity, but which ultimately leave us empty. As I listened, I realized which one I tend to live out. See if you recognize yourself in one (or more) of these:
The Builder
We work hard. We build. That’s what we do. Our identity is tied to growth and achievement. We’re always comparing, pushing, and moving the needle just a little farther. But along the way, we often sacrifice people on the altar of productivity. The lie we tell ourselves? We're just hard workers. Hard work is our idol.
The Manager
We plan. We budget. We optimize. We’re the rock for our organizations and families, ensuring everything gets done, on time. We handle multiple responsibilities and pride ourselves on being steady. The lie we tell ourselves? We’re in control.
The Visionary
We dream. We chase impact. New ideas energize us, and bringing them to life makes us feel alive. Yet the applause fades quickly, and the impact is soon forgotten. The lie we tell ourselves? Fulfillment will come with the next big idea.
The Adventurer
We crave escape. We love new experiences and the thrill of the hunt more than tangible results. We believe that adventure keeps us free, but we’re actually chasing an ever-escaping high. The lie we tell ourselves? The next adventure will finally satisfy.
Freedom Through God’s Label
At the Summit, I was shaken when I saw how much of myself—and those close to me—fit into one or more of these categories.
But the good news is this: there is freedom when we turn to the Lord and see how He labels us, not how culture does.
God names me His son. He names you His son or daughter.
God’s greatest desire? To renovate our hearts.
As 1 Samuel 16:7 reminds us: “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
Fully Integrated Sons and Daughters
So how does this revelation help us in the never-ending swirl of work, family, to-do lists, and ministry? The answer is simple, but not easy: surrendering our hearts to the Lord.
Thriving men and women are people of integrity—those who are fully integrated. Whose inner life and outer life are at peace. Whose heart, mind, ego, ambition, and body are brought under the authority of God, resting in their identity as His children.
Jesus once said to the Pharisees in Matthew 23:25–26:
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also.”
We must first surrender our hearts, becoming truly comfortable in our title as God’s child. As children, we don’t present a false self to the world. We are free to use our gifts as He calls, and our output, organization, ideas, and risks are surrendered to the One who calls us son and daughter.
Closing Prayer
So today, let those of us who are seeking pray for a holy disruption—that God would put our whole selves together, our lives in proper order, and our hearts fully at rest in Him.
-Mark
